Thulean Archives

We all know it. Having a beard is glorious. But how can you grow a beard as glorious as mine? Let's find out. As you can understand, having a beard is great for eating corn flakes, crispy. Little children point finger at you and ask their mothers,^[1] "Is that Santa?". You become a little bit more easy to resist for young women, and it makes you look really old. Because I have such a glorious beard, I have been asked about my beard routine, and I am very generous and will share it with you right here and now. In order to grow a beard as glorious as mine, you need to follow a few steps. No. 1. Be male. Yep. Sorry, females.^[2] Can't have a beard like this. I'm sure you're really sorry about that. Step 2. Be European. I mean, Europeans grow beard naturally.^[3] What else can I say? And No. 3, the probably most important, might come as a shock to some of you, but I will tell you. Don't cut it. I mean, I don't have a beard routine. Unless you count not cutting it all the time as part of my beard routine. In that case, that's my beard routine. Don't cut it all the time. Every now and then, I do cut it, but, you know, it keeps growing. So there you have it. Be male, have genes for beard. And the most revolutionary of them all, don't shave. Don't cut your beard. That If you follow these steps, you'll grow a beard. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the magic of my glorious beard.

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1. They know...
2. Identifying as male is not going to help.
3. Or from some other beard-growing species.